The Neurosis Goes On

The psychosis seems to have stopped, but contrary to what I thought, the neurosis is still there. My neurosis does not much invovle anxiety, but mostly feelings of helplessness, depression, and intense anger. The anger and depression results from helplessness. However, I am changing my attitude from a passive one to a more can-do and will-do active participation and sharing attitude. I wish I could talk to a good therapist.

The United States, the Soviet Union, and Mental Illness

Unfortunately, the way people with mental problems are treated in the West is not much better than the way political dissidents were treated in the Soviet Union. They are (and were) both chemically and physically restrained, silenced, and isolated from the society, apprently for their own good and the protection of the society, many of them getting killed in the process by a seemingly benevolent helpful police force not properly trained in handling them. It is not taken into account that there are better ways that don't ruin valuable lives, that are less costly in the long run in terms of individual suffering, the lives lost to bad treatment and maltreatment, and the cost-effectiveness of the treatment, and that can actually completely cure the long-suffering individual. Unfortunately, mental patients receive horrible treatment at the hands of authorities, doctors, and ordinary citizens, simply because they have had unimaginably bad lives and are in terrible mental and emotional pain. No wonder mental patients who are generally left to their own devices or even accepted as still family and community members in the East and nonindustrialized countries fare much better in the long run, many of them being cured by themselves, leading much better lives in general, and contributing to their communities.


Let's end mental and emotional oppression now.

Why Mental Issues Should Be Treated Psychoanalytically and Psychotherapeutically (Verbally) Rather Than Psychiatrically and Psychopharmacologically (Chemically)?

I think a simple analogy will do.

On computers, when the Microsoft Windows version (or your operating system of choice) has a problem, the solution is not to change or fix the hard disk, or the CPU, or RAM, etc. (Of course, if you change the hard disk, you have to reinstall Windows and that solves the problem. But the analogy refers to human brains, which are irreplaceable.) The solution is to use a software, which can resolve your software issue through software-based techniques, tweak the software settings and configurations yourself, or at most to reinstall your software (Windows).

So goes with the human mind (the software part of our existence). If there is a mental problem and if the brain and the body (hardware) have been checked and it has been established that they don't have any problems (such as anti-NMDA antibody encephalitis) causing the psychosis, depression, etc., the solution is to fix the thoughts, feelings, and the thinking and emotional processes.

Thought problems should be treated with words, not with poison.

A loony's two cents.

Unexpressed Anger and Depression

As could be seen from the previous post, I was not in a good mood a couple of days ago. Several hours after the post, my condition deteriorated from meloncholy into deep depression and anger. I thought I had started a downward spiral and that psychosis would follow soon. But it didn't. The source of the unhappiness was unxpressed anger. I talked about the reason for my anger to the person concerned, although I'm afraid somewhat cruelly, and the depression stopped. Not only that, I learned some things, too.

One of the things I learned was why unexpressed anger leads to depression. The standard explanation is that unexpressed anger is directed towards oneself. That is true. But before it is directed towards oneself, something else happens, too. Unexpressed anger leads to feelings of expressive helplessness and inadequacy. We feel we are unable to even express our own emotions, not to speak of the ability to have an impact on our environment or the people we know (You can clearly notice this kind of helplessness in my previous post, which I'm going to leave as it is.) These feelings of helplessness and inadequacy then lead to self-hatred and depression.

Albert Ellis claims that it is possible never to get angry. He is right, it is possible. He also presents some practical methods of doing it. But when I read his works, I feel they are not as insightful or fruitful or interesting as the works of psychoanalytic and psychodynamic psychologists. I am taken with psychoanalysis. Maybe I'll be able to pursue the study of psychoanalysis with more zest and focus.

Back on track. Back to Freud.

A loony's two cents.

Melancholia

The voices are gone, but so is the psychic energy that I talked about in the first post, and so are the new-found dreams. After sobering up from the intoxication of having woken from a bad dream and having conquered the voices, the hard reality hit me that nobody gives a rat's ass about me or my existence (the grandiosity is gone, too), not even my wife and kids (yes, I was a high functioning schizophrenic), and that I have lost a large part of my life to the tricks my own mind played on me. This painful feeling was strengthened especially after my blog received no attention, contrary to what I expected. Were I to simply disappear from the world, no one would miss me. I am just another zero-impact nonentity with no achievements.

On the plus side, my mind is very calm, quiet, and clear and I have decided to improve my life and the lives of my family bit by small bit. I think I'll start by finding a better-paying job or trying to get a raise.

There is not much glamor in being a run-of-the-mill little guy, but at least you don't suffer that much either.

I will keep blogging to organize and clarify my thoughts and as writing practice. I love writing.

A loony's two cents.

Fading Voices and a Writing Prompt

My voices seem to have stopped for the most part, except for occassional indistinct comments. Remember the "for the most part" part. It is difficult to believe the biggest hurdle I faced in my life (my own mind) which made me suffer for the last 20 something years was resolved so easily and so quickly. Life has become a little boring without having to grapple with my voices. I was used to staying on edge to hear the latest comments on my thoughts and actions, changing my behavior and what I said to disprove them, or sometimes arguing with them in my mind (I will wirte about the specifics later). I guess I should become more spontaneous from now on. I miss feeling that the fate of the world was in my hands and believing that many people were in a way hanging on my every little word, action, and thought. It was some sort of not-so-peaceful symbiosis giving me feelings of grandiosity and self-importance and my voices something to busy themselves with. Of course, I was also extremely anxious of what the voices would do to me. It took me a long time to unerstand that they are just that, voices, and the most that they can do is to shout threats, insults, and commands. A bad dream seems to be coming to an end and the voices are dying. 😉 😀

On another note, Freud is known to have used the self-analysis method, and there are some books on Freud's self-analysis. Karen Horney also wrote a book called Self-Analysis published in English in 1942. I think it's time some knowledgeable person wrote a new guide to self-analysis, incorporating the psychoanalytic developments of the last 77 years. It might help lots of people, become a best seller, and make psychoanalysis popular again. Any volunteers?

A loony's two cents. Please write about good psychology books you have read in the comments. It's fun and therapeutic to write and interact. Thank you.

Silence of the Voices?

Not yet!

Several hours after the last post, the voices have subsided significantly. I do not seem to hear them distinctly, no matter how carefully I try to listen. Sometimes they seem to be arguing angrily among themselves. But I can't hear what they are saying. And I haven't disgraced them yet!

Apparently, I'm still important to my voices (sighs with relief 😉). I guess I should be expecting a plot, soon. Don't be surprised if you hear on the news that a blogger was murdered by his voices. 😆

Edit: After conferring amongst themselves for several hours, the voices came back with a vengeance. They are now shouting out loud. 😈

A loony's two cents. Please write about your voices, what they say, what you think they mean, and how you deal with them in the comments, or start your own blog about them and share the link. It's fun and therapeutic to write and interact. Thank you.

You Might Be Skeptical about the Claims I Made in the First Post ...

Actually you should be, if you have any wisdom in you. Dr. Revella Levin herself would be skeptical. She requires several years to cure someone of their schizophrenia, and to untangle all their mental problems and after all that they enter from psychosis into neurosis and need several more years of therapy to become completely noraml. How can an ignorant upstart cure himself just by reading one book and in less than four months? What's more preposterous is that he claims that he has cured his neurosis, too. In my defense, I said "for the most part."

Of course, I would love it if someone (including myself) called me a genius of sorts and sewed up my wounded ego that way, patted me on the back, and sent me on my way. But that seeming explanation would only raise other questions: "If he is such a genius as he would like to be called, how come he became schizophrenic in the first place? Why couldn't he analyze and solve his own problems before they became serious enough to drive him crazy? Can loonies be geniuses? How can you call someone a genius with absolutely no achievements to their name? etc. etc."

Now that this issue of "being or becoming a genius" came up, first I'll have some explaining to do. When I was young (younger than 14, definitely), I read a book on genius and geniuses. I still remember the books cover, the author's name, some of the ideas discussed in the book including the connection between lunacy and genius, and some geniuses mentioned in it. That book made such a great impression on my young mind, that I decided I wanted to become a genius, someday. The idea of being and becoming a genius was so important to me that it featured in my hallucinations, too. My voices would call me a genius a moment, then a madman the next, and a fool after that. Having read about the possible connection between lunacy and genius, I somehow think that this idea of becoming a genius was so important to my humiliated and downtrodden ego that after having achieved practically nothing when a large part of my life had passed, I unconsciously decided to become a lunatic to achieve geniushood through an indirect route.

Let's return to the originial questions: Am I cured and if so, how can it happen so fast? I try to explain this issue, as far as I can understand it, here. First, I should mention that I am not completely cured. There are still some voices, but they are no longer that distressing and I am functional without medication. There is also some paranoia and grandiosity. You might say that this is temporary and that I will get worse and will need medication or therapy, soon. You might be right and if you are I will report on it on this blog. I have decided to publish the contents of my hallucinations and delusions on this blog, and encourage other loonies to do the same. Of course, for privacy's sake, they had better do it anonymously as I do.

Second, the content of my voices have been severely restricted to one specific issue since my original self-analysis, and they are practically saying the same thing over and over, but in variations: "Disgrace us", "He is going to disgrace us.", and "He has disgraced us." (I have omitted some details, I will write about them later.) Additionally, the voices are still alternatively calling me a genius, a madman, and a fool. You can see feelings of grandiosity jumping at you from these sentences. Apparently, lots and lots of worried people (a whole goverment in my delusions) are helplessly and powerlessly waiting to see whether I will finally disgrace them or not, while in true reality, nobody gives a d**m f**k what I am doing (sadly??? It is pleasant to feel important, having people nervously watch every little move you make and listen to your every single word and it causes suffering, too. While it soothes the wounded ego, it is also a huge imagined responsiblity and burden). I know exactly what the voices are referring to and what the voices represent. Well, I am gonna do exactly what the voices command me. I am going to disgrace them. Don't you worry. I am not going to do anything stupid, dangerous, illegal, violent, or even disgraceful. As a wise man once said, the cure for your voices is to find your own voice and your own truth. I am just going to talk and write. I am sure the remaining voices (the whole government 😉) will go away when I have properly disgraced them.

What will I do if I become floridly psychotic again? I will re-read Dr. Levin's book and re-self-analyze.

I digress a lot. How did I improve so much so quickly and why do I expect quick results in the future? I'm not sure about this, but I feel I have rather easy access to the subconscious and unconscious parts of my mind. It might seem impossible. But I feel this is what made me prone to psychosis in the first place, and what will save me eventually. I think it is not because I am special or a genius, but the physiological explanation could be sought in the fact that I am cross dominant. I think this feature/bug should be common among cross dominant people. Of course, this hypothesis can only be confirmed by proper research by neuroscientists and psychoanalysts. There, you have a research idea. Run along and write your grant proposal. See? Reading a loony's blog is not a complete waste of time after all.

I have more to say on this topic and others and how I am going to deal with my difficulties, if you're interested, but I guess that's enough for now. I'll keep you posted.

Analysis must go on.

My favorite actor and character from the Game of Thrones: Peter Dinklage (Tyrion Lannister). I'm going to write about Tyrion in future posts.

A loony's two cents. Please, write about your own loony experiences and how you deal with them in the comments, or if you prefer, start your own blog and leave the link in the comments so that we can learn from each other. I guess it is time we started our very own loony community. It's fun and therapeutic to write and interact. Thank you.

Chemical Psychiatry Found Dead, Murderers Identified

First, I have to admit that psychiatry and psychiatric medications saved my life more than once and helped me survive some of the worst experiences that my own mind created for me. I also have to admit that psychiatry can be life saving to others, too, under certain circumstances. Taking pills is convenient, mostly cheaper than psychotherapy, readily available to people in the remotest parts of the world, and more easily understandable to even illiterate people, even though they may have magical notions of how the pills work. I also have to admit that psychiatric medications can be beneficial if taken for a short while.

But I also strongly advocate that it is not only benzodiazepines that should not be prescribed and administered for more than a couple of weeks, because of their serious side effects. I think all psychiatric medication use and administration should be limited to a couple of weeks at most, because long term they do more harm than good, especially now that it is known that even the most serious mental disorders, i.e. schizophrenia and psychosis, as well as the most common ones, i.e. depression and anxiety, can be cured with the "talking cure", while all psychiatric meds do is to suppress the symptoms, hide the pain, and ignore the causes. In other words, psychiatry is at best only palliative medicine, not curative medicine, and never causal treatment.

I think students of medicine would best avoid specializing in psychiatry, since, although it might seem promising, instersting, and even lucrative at the present, future will see it founder miserably and stagerringly, unless something completely different and novel comes along. Besides, if medical students want to live healthier happier lives, they might want to avoid chemical psychiatry as their specialty, since psychiatrists have the highest rates of depression and suicide among all doctors. In other words, chemical psychiatry is every bit as harmful to psychiatrists as it is to the patients. (Save yourselves and others some trouble by not becoming psychiatrists.) Instead, if medical students are truly interested in helping mental patients, they could pursue careers in psychology and psychoanalysis.

Medical universities have to significantly overhaul their psychiatric education programs, if they are to remain in business. But the biggest losers of this development will be Big Pharma, losing literally billions of dollars to psychotherapists. They will put up stiff resistance, no doubt. But, they would make better use of their time, energy, and money by refocusing their research and development efforts on other ailments, which are actually more physiologically and biologiclly based.

In light of these developments, insane management laws need drastic reform, too.

I guess you are already familiar with the murderers of chemical psychiatry: Sigmund Freud, John Rosen, Revella Levin, among others. Great job, fellas. This was felicitous murder of a cruel tyrant who claimed to be benevolent, who wouldn't listen to reason, who forced himself down its victims' throats by judicial decree, who chemically imprisoned his victim's minds, who ruined his victim's lives simply because they dared be different, think differently, and speak differently, and who finally killed his victims mercilessly. Good riddance to bad rubbish. May it never wake up from its everlasting stupor.

The claims made in the last paragraph are not just baseless assertions made for the sake of rhetoric. If I find the time, I will summarize and point to the evidence in a future post. In the meantime, you can google phrases like "all-cause mortality and antidepressants", "all-cause mortality and antipsychotics", "antidepressants and risk of death", etc.

A loony's two cents. Please, write about your own experiences with psychiatry, psychiatrists, and psychiatric medications in the comments, or start your own blog about it. It is fun and therapeutic to write and interact. Thank you.

Thanking Dr. Revella Levin

First some background:

I have been taking psychiatric medications for more than 20 years and I have been taking antipsychotics for about 15 years. During the past 15 years, any time I stopped taking antipsychotics, the psychosis would return within a few months. Several months ago, I reached a difficult stage in my life, where I had to make a difficult decision. The difficult situation was caused by the side effects from the medications and the complications of the disease itself. Even though the antipsychotics had had side effects previously, their side effects did not seem that dagerous. But this time, it appeared that their side effects had risen to a dagerous level, probably due to my being generally inactive in the past 15 years, my obesity, and my older age.

My first option was to continue taking antipsychotics. But a large group of antipsychotics are anticholinergics. Anticholinergics lead to dementia and dementia to death. I avoid anticholinergics. A lot of antipsychotics also cause arrhythmias. Arrhythmias can cause stroke and heart attack, and stroke and heat attack can lead to death. I had tried several antipsychotics, including Risperdal (risperidone) and they gave me arrhythmia at this time, probably worsened by the obesity that I had got from antipsychotics themselves. The only one that didn't cause arrhythmia for me was Abilify (aripiprazole). But Abilify's side effects weren't any better. Abilify gave me anhedonia, akathisia, anger and hostility, and worst of all suicidality. The other option was to stop taking antipsychotics and you know where that ends: florent psychosis, losing one's job and family, becoming a hobo, and finally death on a street corner. So my options were limited to death and death.

Here rode in Revella Levin on a white horse:

One night I was thinking of how to deal with my problem and decided to find and read the latest books on schizohrenia to see if I might be able to find something useful. By chance, I found Dr. Revella Levin's Successful Drug-Free Psychotherapy for Schizophrenia. Her brilliant book is full of personal stories, case studies, theoretical discussions, and practical advice for therapists. Her ideas are based on Sigmund Freud's theories and ideas. But she doesn't accept them blindly. She criticizes them, offers modifications, and derives techniques from them. As she says, she separates Freud's wheat from his chaff.

I should mention that I was not unfamiliar with Freud's ideas and had actually found them fascinating. However, I had lost hope of ever finding a psychological cure for my schizophrenia. After trying for many years to find a cure in psychology, psychoanalysis, Freud's theory of defence mechanisms, or to at least explain away the stigma of schizophrenia with a physiological cause like magnesium deficiency or copper accumulation, I gave up and accepted my fate as a hopeless lunatic, accepted the dominant chemical hypothesis for schizophrenia, and resigned myself to taking psychiatric medications for the rest of my life, until survival forced me to search for an alternative.

Although I was skeptical at first, the title was intriguing enough. I got the book and started reading it. I read some parts of Dr. Levin's book each night and it was the most pleasant task of the day. But it wasn't just reading. I read and reread the parts that resonated with me and paused to think and self-analyze along the way. I found the book truly fascinating. But what I found even more fascinating was Dr. Levin herself. I felt her compassion for her patients and her passion for her job through her words. I think I developed some sort of transference feelings towards her. But unlike her patients, my tranference did not involve feelings of anger or hostility. I felt love towards her and I felt she loved and supported me in my attempts at self-analysis.

It is now about four months that I have stopped taking antipsychotics and one month that I no longer take an antidepressent. If past experience is any indication, I should be severely anxious, depressed, and psychotic by now. However, the hallucinations, paranoia, ideas of reference, depression, and anxiety are gone for the most part. The most stubborn problem seems to be grandiosity, but I hope I will be able to let go of it, too. Actually, I have thought of a way to rid myself of it, and am going to put it into action. Not that it's an original idea. I got it from Dr. Levin's book and am going to share it with you in future posts.

Thanks to Dr. Levin, I feel a surge of psychic energy bursting through. I am now happier and calmer than I have ever been in the past 15 years. I have new-found hopes, dreams, and ideas, do not feel that I have to live it one day at a time, and do not wish it were over. My mind, memory, and thinking is improving, and I do not feel like a zombie any more, but feel intense emotions once again. And I am actually losing weight, although not as fast as I would like to (losing 88 pounds is not an easy task). In short, my life has been transformed from absolute misery to at least a contented one because of Dr. Levin's work and ideas.

Revella of House Levin, First of Your Name, Queen of Therapists, Liberator of Minds, Breaker of Nightmares, Mother of Ideas, Revealer of Truths, Lady of Strength and Lightning, Savior of the Disturbed, and the Protector of Souls:

I owe my life to you and I am forever in your debt.

Although I cannot do much to repay my debt at the present, am no knight, and don't know how to fight or ride a horse, I would like to offer my services.